Couples Counselling Isn’t as Scary as You Think: Myths vs. Reality By Elisha
When couples reach out for counselling, I often hear a mix of curiosity and hesitation. Many worry that sessions will be tense, full of blame, or even make things worse. In my experience, what really happens tends to surprise people and it’s rarely what they expect. Over the time I’ve worked with couples, I’ve noticed that some fears come up again and again.
These are the myths I hear most often, and how they usually play out in sessions.
Myth 1: Couples counselling is only for relationships in crisis
A lot of people think counselling is only for people that are on the edge of divorce, where the fights are never ending and infidelity and deep resentment are present. While counselling can absolutely help in those situations, many couples come in simply because they are noticing small patterns that they don’t want to keep repeating.
One thing that I have noticed is that relationships naturally have “earthquakes” of tension. These are normal ups and downs, but they don’t have to turn into huge, destructive conflicts. The “little earthquakes” are the small disagreements or honest discussions where each person shares how they’re feeling. Those small conversations actually help the relationship by releasing tension before it builds into something that is overwhelming. Counselling helps couples have those small, safe releases, and notice how helpful they can be in keeping the relationship healthy.
Myth 2: The counsellor will take sides
A common worry is that one partner will feel like the counsellor “agrees” with the other, leaving them feeling like the problem or the one that needs to be “fixed.” In sessions, I focus on the cycle between partners, rather than on one person being right or wrong. For example, one partner might push to be heard, while the other withdraws. At first, it can look like one is “too much” and the other is “too distant,” but once we slow down and notice the pattern, both often realize they are responding to each other in ways that made sense at the time. That understanding can reduce tension and open the door to connection. It is almost like recognizing where and when to have a small earthquake, so it doesn’t turn into a big one.
Myth 3: Counselling is just about learning communication skills
Communication tools are helpful, and I do shore them, but what often shifts the most is the awareness of the emotions that are underneath the words that are chosen. Anger might actually be a fear of being ignored. Withdrawal might be a way to protect yourself, not a lack of care. When couples notice and name these emotions, conversations feel less like fights and more like changes to connect. Even small acknowledgements of vulnerability (the little earthquakes) prevent tension from building up over time.
Myth 4: Counselling is about fixing one partner
For instance, one partner might criticize when they feel unheard, and the other withdraws to avoid criticism. The more the pattern repeats, the more frustrated both partners feel. Shifting the focus from fixing one person to understanding the cycle often creates relief and hope. Partners start to see ways they can support each other and have those small, helpful conversations that release tension and strengthen connection.
Myth 5: Counselling will just bring up conflict and make things worse
It’s normal to worry that talking about problems will escalate tension. Many couples have avoided certain conversations for years because of this fear. Counselling provides a space where emotions can be shared safely. Even when difficult topics come up, both partners can feel heart and understood. Couples often describe a sense of relieve as they can finally address things that have been bubbling below the surface in a more controlled, supportive environment rather than letting them spill over unexpectedly.
What actually happens in a session
Sessions usually include reflection, emotional awareness, and practical tools:
Sharing your story – We talk about what brought you in and what you hope to get out of counselling. Even small frustrations or repeated arguments are important to notice. We also go over how you met, what drew you to one another, and what you admire about each other.
Mapping the cycle – Every couple has a pattern they fall into during conflict. Together, we notice how each partner response and what keeps the tension going.
Slowing things down – Instead of jumping straight into problem solving, we pause to notice emotions that are often hard to express
Having small, safe “earthquakes” – Counselling helps couples express feelings and have honest discussions in a safe way, so tension is released before it builds into a bigger conflict.
Learning tools for everyday life – Couples take home strategies for communication, boundary setting, emotion awareness, and relating emotions.
Shifting patterns over time – The ultimate goal is for partners to respond to tension differently, reconnect, and strengthen their bond in small but meaningful ways.
Counselling isn’t about blame or proving who’s right. It’s about creating a space where both partners can feel safe enough to share feelings, notice patterns, and have small healthy discussions.