Helping Children Cope with Loss or Change: A Guide for Parents
Loss and change are inevitable parts of life, but for children, they can be especially overwhelming and confusing. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a friendship, a family move, or even the separation of parents, these significant events can shake a child’s sense of security and emotional well-being. As parents, your guidance, support, and reassurance play a crucial role in helping your child navigate these difficult times.
Children grieve differently depending on their developmental stage, and understanding how they process these experiences can help you provide the right support at the right time. In this guide, we’ll explore how children of various ages handle grief and change and offer practical tips for helping them cope in a healthy way.
Ages 2 to 4:
Developmental Stage:
Toddlers may not fully grasp the concept of loss, but they are incredibly attuned to emotional changes in their environment. Loss or change, such as a parent leaving or moving to a new home, may manifest as increased clinginess, crying, or disruptions in eating and sleeping patterns. Preschoolers, who are starting to understand the concept of change, may have trouble distinguishing between fantasy and reality. They might ask repetitive questions like, “Where did Grandma go” or “When is she coming back?” and may experience emotional shifts or regress in behaviour, such as thumb-sucking or bed-wetting, as a way of coping.
Concept of Death:
Young children often see death as reversible. They may ask questions like, “When will Mommy come home?” or “Will you die too?” At this age, they are beginning to wonder if death happens to everyone, but they don’t fully understand that it is permanent.
Common Grief Responses:
Crying or expressing anxiety
Disrupted sleep patterns
Increased clinginess or a need to be held
Irritability or temper tantrums
Repetitive questions about the loss
Behavioural regression (e.g., asking for help with tasks they’ve mastered)
Telling the story of the death repeatedly, even to strangers
Ways to Help:
Establish a consistent routine to provide safety and predictability
Offer a simple, honest explanation of the death: “Mommy died. Her body stopped working”
Answer questions truthfully and directly, avoiding euphemisms like “gone” or “passed away”
Offer physical comfort and reassurance
Allow opportunities for play and creative expression
Provide choices whenever possible to give them a sense of control
Script to Use:
“I know you’re feeling upset right now. I’m here with you, and we’re going to stay close. You’re safe, and I love you very much.”
“Grandma died, and she’s not coming back. It’s okay to feel sad and miss her. We can talk about her whenever you want. I’m here to listen.”
Ages 5 to 8:
Developmental Stage:
Children in this age group are beginning to develop greater independence and can think more abstractly, though their thinking is still largely concrete. They may start to blur the line between reality and fantasy. While they may have a better understanding of death and change, they may still struggle with complex emotions, feeling anxious about their own safety or experiencing guilt about an event—even if they are not at fault. Their grief may be intense, but they may not know how to express it or may feel confused about their emotions.
Concept of Death:
Children in this stage may still see death as reversible and might feel responsible for it, thinking their thoughts or actions caused the death. They might say, “I was mad, and I wished they’d die.”
Common Grief Responses:
Changes in sleep or eating habits
Repetitive questions about the death: “How did it happen?” or “Why did they die?”
Anxiety about safety or concerns about abandonment
Regressive behaviours (e.g., bedwetting or asking for help with tasks they’ve previously mastered)
Physical complaints like stomach aches or headaches
Intense emotional reactions followed by acting as if nothing happened
Ways to Help:
Explain the death using simple, concrete language: “Daddy’s heart stopped working”
Be prepared for repetitive questions and offer reassurance
Encourage physical or creative outlets for their emotions
Continue providing physical comfort and emotional nurturing
Offer choices to give them a sense of control over daily tasks
Encourage open, honest conversations and allow them to ask questions
Script to Use:
“I know this is really hard for you, and it’s okay to feel confused or upset. Sometimes people we love die. We can talk about them whenever you want. I am here to listen and help you through this.”
Ages 9 to 12:
Developmental Stage:
Children in this age range begin to understand more abstract concepts, like the permanence of death, while also forming stronger friendships and becoming more independent from their families. They may still struggle to express their emotions, experiencing a mix of anger, confusion, and sadness. Some may retreat or isolate themselves, while others may cope with their grief by engaging in risky behaviours or lashing out.
Concept of Death:
At this stage, children understand that death is permanent. They may also begin to think about the long-term effects of the loss. Some may feel guilt or regret.
Common Grief Responses:
Acting out or expressing grief through behaviour
Worrying about safety or fearing something bad will happen again
Difficulty concentrating at school or on tasks
Nightmares or intrusive thoughts
Physical complaints like headaches or stomach aches
A wide range of emotions, including guilt, sadness, rage, and anxiety
Withdrawal from social situations or increased sensitivity to noise or change
Ways to Help:
Answer questions truthfully and use direct language, avoiding euphemisms
Encourage expression through talk, art, physical activity, or writing
Help them connect with supportive people or activities that make them feel safe
Maintain routines and set clear expectations, while being flexible when needed
Offer choices to give them a sense of control
Model healthy emotional expression and self-care
Respect their need for space, but remind them you’re available to talk
Script to Use:
“I know this is a tough time for you, and it’s okay if you don’t want to talk right now. But if you ever want to talk about it, I’m here to listen—no judgment. We’ll get through this together.”
“Grief doesn’t follow a straight line, and it’s okay to have good days and bad days. What you’re feeling is normal, and we’ll take it one day at a time.”
Ages 13 to 18:
Developmental Stage:
Teens have a strong cognitive understanding of the permanence of death, but they are also navigating their own identities. During this time, they may explore existential questions about life, death, and meaning. Peer relationships may become more significant than family connections.
Concept of Death:
Teens understand that death is permanent but may still engage in magical thinking or denial (e.g., imagining the deceased person is just on a long trip). They may also question the meaning of life and grapple with their beliefs or spirituality.
Common Grief Responses:
Withdrawal from family, seeking support from peers
Increased risk-taking behaviors such as drugs, alcohol, or reckless driving
Difficulty concentrating on schoolwork or striving for perfection
Emotional volatility, including sadness, anger, or guilt
Difficulty talking about the loss with family or caregivers
Worry about their own safety or fear of another traumatic event
Attempts to take on a caregiving role with younger siblings
Thoughts of self-harm or suicide (in some cases)
Ways to Help:
Offer reassurance of safety, even if they don’t express concerns
Maintain routines and set clear expectations but remain flexible
Allow teens to express their feelings without trying to fix or change them
Be honest in answering their questions and let them choose how they’d like to honor the deceased
Encourage connection with supportive people outside the family, like teachers or coaches
Model healthy coping strategies and emotional expression
Be a good listener without offering advice unless they ask for it
If there are signs of self-harm or suicidal thoughts, seek professional help immediately
Script to Use:
“I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you, but I want you to know you’re not alone. I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk or just need someone to sit with you.”
“It’s okay to feel all sorts of things right now—anger, sadness, confusion. You’re allowed to grieve in your own way and in your own time.”
“I may not have all the answers, but I’ll always be here to support you, no matter what. We can figure this out together.”
Work adapted from Dougy Center. www.dougy.org