Advocating for your right to pleasure! By Jaimie Keillor

Hello, readers!

It is Sexual Health Awareness Week! So, I thought, what better time to talk about sexual health and what it truly encompasses. While programs often focus on essential topics like contraception, STI information, pregnancy, menstruation, and consent—and rightly so—it doesn’t change the fact that our current sexual health education system often leaves us with more questions than answers- especially regarding the topics we’re genuinely curious about like… oh, I don’t know… enjoying sex and feeling pleasure!? But I digress. Since the sexual education programs do not acknowledge it, I will. YES, PLEASURE IS PART OF SEXUAL HEALTH! It is okay to want or not want pleasure, seek pleasure, give pleasure, and more importantly, it is okay to ask for help to experience pleasure.

In fact, it is your right- Regardless of sexual orientations, gender identities, income and education levels, physical or mental abilities, races, ethnicities, age, trauma history, whether you’re in a relationship or not, dating, living with a partner, or having multiple partners… you have the right to seek sexual pleasure affirming care.

It’s important to acknowledge that not everyone is interested in or feels the need to seek sexual pleasure-and that’s okay. Everyone is on different points of the pleasure spectrum, and what is pleasurable for one person may vary for another. That said, this article is intended to guide and support those who are looking to embrace pleasure-affirming care wherever you are on that spectrum.

Self-advocate:

When thinking about how to advocate for your own sexual pleasure- it is important to get to know your sexual self. Knowing your sexual self IS advocating for yourself- the more you know about yourself, the more equipped you will be to communicate needs with others.

Here are some tips to start advocating for your sexual self

First: Get to know your anatomy! What does it look like? Can you name all the parts of your gentiles? Getting familiar with your parts and comfortable with your parts!

Second: Explore what turns you on. Since these insights are rarely covered in traditional sex education, a lot of this knowledge comes from personal exploration and self-education. Some questions that can help guide you in this are:

● What turns you on? Have you ever been horny?

● Is there a previous sexual experience you enjoyed? Why do you think that is?

● Do you have any fantasies? Have you let your mind explore those fantasies?

● Is there a scene in a movie, or a chapter in a book that you particularly enjoyed?

● Is it okay with you to be turned on by this?

Third: Explore what feels good through masturbation and self-touch. Knowing your own physiological responses can often help you address sexual concerns and enhance pleasure. By becoming more familiar with yourself, you can uncover the types of sexual activities that are most enjoyable and stimulating to you. This also can make it easier to communicate what you like with your partner(s) in the future.

● Where do you like being touched? How do you know you like that?

● How do you like being touched? Soft, firm, slow, fast etc.

● Where do you NOT like being touched? What in your body tells you that you don’t like it?

● How does it feel in your body when you are turned on?

● Does this feel good? Or is there pain?

● Have you ever used toys or props? How was that for you?

Engaging in masturbation & self-touch can be an excellent way to experiment with what feels good for you. Exploring your own body first at a slow and safe pace can be a great start to learning how, where, when and why you like to be pleasured.

Tip: You can try reading some erotica or looking at ethical porn cites such as Afterglow, MakeLoveNotPorn, or Dipsea to explore your fantasies.

Advocate with your partner(s):

Communicating your pleasure needs with a partner can sometimes feel scary, daunting or even shameful especially when society rarely gives us the room to explore our needs, let alone communicate them- out loud! Now that you have an idea of what your sexual self likes, dislikes, and responds to, communicating them to a partner(s) can seem less overwhelming.

Let me be frank here, communication, respect, openness, and a nonjudgmental approach are vital to building sexual safety with a partner.

Here are some tips to increase pleasure communication skills

Talk with, not at: If you’re worried about hurting your partner(s) feelings-that’s totally normal! While your needs are important and advocating for yourself is essential, how we approach these conversations can help calm those worries. It’s not usually what you say, but how you say it.

○ Start slow, start softly, and ask your partner(s) to listen to what you’re saying. It’s even okay to share that you’re feeling vulnerable talking about this, and it’s not your intention to hurt their feelings.

○ Be willing to receive feedback too. Communication goes both ways. If the conversation maintains a respectful and open dialogue- then try to hear what the other is needing, if it is something you’re not comfortable with- you have the right to communicate that too.

○ Remember why you are bringing up these concerns with your partner(s): to have pleasure that is safe, satisfying and fun.

Open a dialog: What are the hard limits? What are you comfortable with, what is your partner(s) comfortable with. Boundaries are important.

○ Develop a list- what are things you enjoy, what are things you’re not sure of, but want to try, and what are off limits. Ask your partner(s) as well.

○ Discussing how to initiate and refuse sex in your relationship can be helpful.

○ Discuss contraception and STI history and testing. It may not sound sexy, but vital when advocating for your own sexual health. Do not leave it up to the partner(s)- you are equally responsible to prevent infection.

Understand that our partner(s) are not mind readers. It is imperative that you work on communicating sexual pleasure needs. Using “I” statements is a great tool to with when voicing your need. You may try practicing how to say it before you have the conversation. Here are some suggestions to get you started:

○ “I think I’m ready to try something different, would you be open to trying it with me? I think it will feel really good”.

○ “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed; can we take a minute?”

○ “I feel a bit disconnected; can we try _____?”

○ “I feel ___ when you do _____. Can we do _____”?

○ “Babe, I really like it when you _____”

○ “I’d like to show you where you can touch me that feels amazing”

○ “When you did ____, it was a bit painful. Next time can we try it _____way”.

○ “I am not comfortable when you do that, let’s try ____ instead”.

○ “Babe, that hurts, can we switch positions”

○ “Yes, I like that. Keep doing that”

○ “I’d like to try_____, would you?”

○ “I need to take things slow, I’m not ready”.

○ “____ felt great! Let’s do that again next time”

○ “Can we talk about what happened the other night? I feel like I need to talk it through”.

○ “I feel like my pleasure is not a priority when we have sex. Do you agree or disagree?”

Advocating for your sexual pleasure starts before the sex even begins, happens during and continues after sex is over. Creating a habit of checking in with each other is imperative to ensure that everyone’s needs are met, and your pleasure is advocated for. As we start to prioritize and advocate for our pleasure, you might notice your needs change or shift, grow, or even vary day by day. That is totally normal! Taking your time and listening to what feels right for you with your partner(s) not only builds the connection with them but also develops a deeper connection between you and your sexual self.

Advocate for Medical Support:

Discussions about sexual health are often notably absent in healthcare settings, largely due to the stigma surrounding sexual issues, making these conversations feel both challenging and awkward. This societal stigma frequently discourages individuals from sharing their concerns, particularly when it comes to sexual pleasure. While healthcare systems could certainly improve their pleasure affirming care, it remains your responsibility to advocate for your own sexual experiences and well-being. Remember, pleasure is an integral part of sexual health, and healthcare providers can be instrumental in helping you find the right solutions to your concerns.

Here are some tips to help you advocate for yourself within medical spaces:

1. Find your support team: Advocating for your sexual health in medical settings extends beyond contraception and STI concerns. There are many facets of our sexuality that warrant your attention. Your general practitioner will often be the first line of support (and can refer you to a specialist if needed). However, if you don’t feel like they will listen to you, or consider your pleasure a valid priority, you have every right to consult with professionals who will, such as Naturopaths, Nurse Practitioners, Counsellors, or Sex therapists.

To decipher if they will be safe or not, consider asking questions such as:

● What is your education in sexual health?

● Do you have any experience treating/working with sexual health?

● How does your approach maintain client safety when discussing sexual health concerns?

● Can you tell me about your experience with ______ sexual background?

● How does your practice maintain trauma informed when working with sexual health?

● Can I share with you my sexual health concerns? Or do you get weird?

● What is your scope of practice… do you have any experience working with ______concern?

● Do you consider yourself a pleasure affirming practitioner?

2. Identify Your Concerns: How do you know it really is a concern, and not just “in your head”, or “what’s supposed to happen”? Well, my rule of thumb is: If you feel like it is unsatisfying in any way- then yes, it’s a valid concern and you should seek support.

Pleasurable sex is going to feel and look different for everyone. I cannot tell you what should be pleasurable for you or not. However, what I can share with you are some questions to ask yourself to help identify what may be impacting your sexual concerns. Note: this is not an exhaustive list- nor medical advice- but just some questions to get you started! You may have none of these symptoms and still feel like things aren’t right for you. In that case, you should still seek support.

● Is there anything about you sex life that you are not happy with? - what would you change if you could?

● Do you like sex? Or do you want to like sex?

● Have you noticed a shift in your mental health lately? Do you think that has impacted your sexual health?

● Do you sometimes feel anxious or sad after sex/orgasm?

● Does it take a long time to get into the “mood”?

● Does it take a long time to get an erection? Does your erection take a while to disappear?

● Are there times when orgasm is easier to reach than others?

● Is there any abnormal discharge? Is there any vaginal dryness?

● Do you bleed after penetration? (digital, toy, or penis)

● Is there vaginal or penile pain or discomfort? (intercourse or not during intercourse)

● Have you noticed your sex drive/arousal has decreased over time?

● Have you noticed any complications or challenges when initiating intercourse?

● Have you noticed a change in your odor?

● Have you noticed an increase or decrease in ability to reach orgasm?

● Are you taking medications? Have there been any challenges sexually since starting?

3. Record your findings: So! Once you’ve had a chance to help think of what is happening for you sexually and how it may be influencing your pleasure- it is time to record your symptoms in detail! This means tracking what, when, where, how you feel symptoms, their duration, when they started, and try to provide as much detail as you can-I suggest writing your symptoms on a single sheet of paper, or in a chart to make it easier to take into doctor’s office.

Note of caution: While it’s tempting to search for answers online, it’s rare to find an accurate diagnosis through “Dr. Google.” Try to limit your searches to basic information and avoid deep dives that often lead to misinformation or unnecessary anxiety.

4. Practice Your Approach: First, I want to normalize that it can totally feel awkward, weird, uncomfortable or even triggering to communicate our sexual concerns or questions. I want you to know that you are not alone, and these concerns are pretty common. And believe me, most practitioners who work in sexual health, have heard it ALL. However, having the conversation can still bring up some anxiety or shame- Which is also normal. Perhaps you wish you could walk into that office and express your concerns with confidence, but you’re not there yet? That’s okay too! (you will get there). In the meantime, consider rehearsing how you’ll bring up the topic, or state your concerns. Practice makes good enough!

You might say something like:

● I’d like to discuss my sexual health with you today. I’ve been experiencing [specific symptoms] for the past [duration].

● I have noticed that it has become more challenging to orgasm since ______. Is there something we can do to determine why, and how to help me?

● I started this medication and since then I haven’t wanted to have sex with my partner. Why is that? What can we do about it?

● I have not felt like myself lately, sexually, would like to talk about that today

● I would like to get tested for any STI’s. The condom broke, and I’d just like to make sure everything is okay. How can i prevent this from happening in the future?

● I have been struggling lately. I cannot keep an erection.

● I would like to spend the appointment discussing my sexual health today. I have been tracking my symptoms for _____ weeks. I have written the symptoms down here on this paper and note when I feel these symptoms the most. Is there testing I can go to figure out what this is?

Though it may sometimes feel awkward or daunting to bring up your pleasure needs with yourself, a partner(s), or medical professionals, it’s an essential step toward crafting a sex life that’s truly yours and centered around what makes you feel good. Embrace these conversations, let it feel awkward and weird, and above all, acknowledge your sexual pleasure as an integral part of your sexual wellness.