Navigating our sexual selves in a shame focused world By Jaimie Keillor

In a world where shame around sexuality often feels like the norm, understanding and embracing our sexual selves can be a daunting journey. Many of us have internalized messages that suggest we should feel ashamed about certain aspects of our sexuality. 

A common theme in therapy sessions is the pervasive feeling that there's something inherently "wrong" or "dirty" about one's sexuality. Many people express confusion about their feelings during intimate moments, while others simply yearn to feel "normal." More often than not, these discussions bring shame- an invisible barrier that unexpectedly emerges, making it challenging for individuals to truly embrace their sexuality- to the forefront, especially for those who wish to enjoy sex but struggle to feel safe within themselves to do so. .

This post aims to highlight some of the most significant factors that contribute to our sexual shame and to offer support as you begin to navigate your sexual selves through it. Developing a positive sense of sexual self-esteem is a personal journey, influenced by various experiences throughout our lives. Just as everyone's formation of shame is unique, so too is their path to embracing their sexual selves.

Remember- you are not alone in your feelings! 

Sexual Shame- Where did it come from?

The first step in navigating one's sexual self is the understanding of where the sexual self was developed. Often, this understanding allows us to gain a wider perspective and start to question those persistent voices that suggest there's something to be ashamed of. It's vital to remember that these ingrained messages might not hold any truth at all. Navigating our sexual selves in a shame focused society can be challenging. I have been caught in the throws of a shame cycle too. Time and time again, I am reminded of just how deep these messages and ideologies are woven into the fabric of our sexual self concept. 

Cultural and Societal Norms: The way our cultures discuss and portray sexuality can either lift us up or hold us back.These external voices often dictate what's deemed acceptable or shameful, leaving little room for personal exploration or expression. It's important to be aware of how these cultural expectations affect our view of ourselves.

Media Exposure: The images and stories we see in the media often influence our self-perception. We are bombarded with media portrayals that present unrealistic or narrow standards of beauty, behavior, and desirability. These depictions can create a distorted view of what is considered "normal" or "acceptable," leaving individuals feeling inadequate or flawed if they do not meet these ideals. By questioning and critically analyzing these messages, we can strive for a healthier self-image.

Past Experiences: Our personal histories, including previous relationships and any traumas, deeply affect how we see ourselves sexually. Early encounters with judgment or criticism about one's body, desires, or behaviors can instill lasting feelings of inadequacy or guilt. Negative experiences, such as being shamed for expressing interest in sexual topics or having one's boundaries disrespected, can leave deep emotional scars. Reflecting on these experiences with kindness helps us grow.

Education and Awareness: Limited or biased educational experiences often emphasize shame and guilt, leading to misconceptions and negative feelings about natural sexual behaviors and identities. Such education might neglect important topics such as consent, diverse sexual orientations, and the emotional aspects of sexuality, creating a breeding ground for misunderstanding and internalized shame. Learning about consent, sexual diversity, and healthy relationships empowers us. Good sexual education is key to nurturing a positive view of ourselves sexually.

Embracing a Positive Sexual Self-Esteem: Embarking on the journey to build a positive sexual self-esteem involves opening up a dialogue about sexuality within ourselves and our communities. Seeking supportive, open environments and being mindful of external influences can help start the process of healing that shame. Continual learning and self-reflection can help us appreciate our own worth and foster meaningful relationships.

Get Comfortable with Yourself and Your Body: Start by embracing the parts of you that make you unique. Find what gives you pleasure, whether through masturbation or other forms of non sexual self-discovery. By exploring and understanding what brings you joy and comfort, you begin to rewrite the narratives shaped by external pressures and unrealistic standards. Begin to recognize and celebrate your body’s individuality and uniqueness. 

Have Open Conversations: Share your feelings with a trusted partner or friend. Understanding your desires and boundaries makes it easier to communicate with others. When we speak openly and honestly about our experiences and feelings, we create a safe space where judgments fade and understanding blossoms. These conversations can help normalize diverse sexual experiences and preferences, breaking down the barriers that often fuel shame and misunderstanding in ourselves and amongst others.

Build a Circle of Empowerment: Surround yourself with positive people who appreciate you as you are. Establish boundaries with negative influences to foster growth. These supportive relationships offer validation and understanding, making it easier to break free from feelings of isolation that often accompany shame.

Talk to a Professional: Sexual shame and guilt can be deeply rooted. A mental health professional can offer guidance and help you explore your feelings in a supportive environment.

I leave you with this final note

I invite you to embrace your unique path toward self-discovery. Healing from shame involves bringing to light the aspects of your sexuality that you feel are hidden. Your sexuality is entirely personal, and you have the freedom to include or exclude whichever elements you choose in shaping or reshaping your sexual identity. It's about discovering what resonates with you- and you alone. By nurturing self-compassion and respecting our personal narratives, we create a space where shame cannot thrive, allowing for genuine connections and a more empowered sense of self.